Eyes Wide Shut (2008, HD DVD)

Somewhere, beneath all the fatty layers of arty bloat, there is an interesting possibly even intense movie that is the real Eyes Wide Shut. This movie would be thoroughly engaging and unnerving. In its present state, however, it merely enraged me and got on my nerves.

Let me state for the record that, until a year ago, there were few people on the face of this planet who were looking more forward to seeing this film. I have long been a fan of director Stanley Kubrick and consider 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dr. Strangelove, The Shining and Full Metal Jacket some of the best films every put on celluloid. Add the fact that Eyes Wide Shut starred two of my favorite actors Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and I was primed to enjoy Kubrick s latest (and, as it turned out, last) work.

But then I started hearing things whispers and grumblings from audiences exiting the theaters. Things like bo-ring and brain-glaze and of course the inevitable puns like keep yer eyes shut! I tried not to listen; I tried to keep my ears wide shut; I tried to approach last night s home video viewing with my brain wide open.

Sorry, Stanley. I know a blas failure when I see one. This was not the taste in my mouth I d have preferred you to leave me with.

By now, the story of Eyes Wide Shut is the stuff of Hollywood legend. It was Kubrick s longest shoot (one year and two months). Tabloids rumored that the director, a notorious perfectionist, was demanding numerous re-takes (true) and that he was holding Mr. and Mrs. Cruise prisoner over in England (not true). Other stars like Harvey Keitel and Jennifer Jason Leigh filmed scenes and were later replaced by other actors (Sydney Pollack and Marie Richardson, respectively). When it came time to release the finished product, the ratings board insisted that a certain orgy scene would earn an NC-17 rating unless graphic sexual acts were cut. The decision was made to cover the sexual activity with computer-generated figures. The result is one of the worst uses of CGI I ve ever seen.

Finally, Kubrick died just four days after delivering his final cut to Warner Brothers. The whole world (including me) mourned and there was a fitting tribute during last year s Academy Awards telecast. At the risk of sounding disrespectful, his death was probably the best thing that could have happened to Eyes Wide Shut. Hollywood was still wearing funeral black when the film was released and naturally no one wanted to speak ill of the dearly departed. The resulting good press (translation: critics) nearly drowned out the bad word of mouth (translation: folks like you and me).

As it turns out, the behind-the-scenes drama was much more interesting than what we get on the screen.

Here s the plot, boiled down its bare bones: Husband and wife go to party. Husband and wife flirt with other attractive people. Husband and wife later have looooong conversation about jealousy and fidelity. Husband s jealousy is pricked. Husband goes on sexual odyssey. Husband and wife have another looooong conversation about jealousy and fidelity.

The movie, based on the 1926 novel Traumnovelle by Arthur Schnitzler, probes psycho-sexual issues and contains enough nudity to rival fellow director Peter Greenaway s films. In theme and style, it reminds me of another controversial movie from a few years back, Boxing Helena (which was directed by Jennifer Lynch, David s daughter). Boxing Helena was equally bizarre (remember, it s directed by Eraserhead s daughter) and meandering, but at least it was shorter by an hour.

Eyes Wide Shut intends to be provocative what else can you expect from a film that begins with Kidman slipping out of a dress and ends with her uttering a single line of dialogue, the f word? But in between those two titillating moments, all tension is smothered under the heavy blankets of art-house pretension. Never have I felt more detached from a story and its characters. The title is a clue that we re supposed to accept this as a two-and-a-half-hour dream and there is symbolism aplenty throughout (note how every location has an identical Christmas tree). But, as Cruise s character states, No dream is ever just a dream. Unfortunately, I fell asleep during this dream and missed its deeper message.

The movie comes at us like a stretch limo. It s beautiful and highly-polished, but there s that bothersome stretch part. Scenes spin out to unendurable lengths and the actors render some of the most bizarre line readings I ve heard this side of experimental theater. Everyone speaks .very .slowly. And there .are .great .pauses between lines of dialogue. I can only imagine that Mr. Kubrick directed everyone with the cryptic instructions: Act like you d rather be somewhere else. And if you forget your lines, that s okay, we ll wait. Slap a monotone soundtrack over the whole works and you ve got an exercise in viewer patience.

What did I like about Eyes Wide Shut? The cinematography. That probably sounds like a cheap, sarcastic answer, but I really did like the beautiful, sensuous work that Larry Smith did with the ever-panning, ever-tracking camera (though I m sure that Kubrick did a fair share of the lensing as well). The result is hypnotic and stylish. In the end, however, it is only Eye candy and can t gloss over the flaws of this masterpiece wanna-be.