Men in Black II (2002, DVD)

[If you're not interested in the banality of my life, one episode of which I will detail in full, and only want to know about "Men in Black II", skip ahead to the "MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE PROPER" section. If you're a glutton for punishment, read on ]

PROLOGUE

So a friend decided to send me a gift for the holidays. Since I live in Toronto and she lives just outside Philadelphia, we've taken to using Amazon.com to ship DVDs and books and CDs up and down the east coast. Knowing that I'm a big "Amelie" fan (we actually saw the film for the first time together when I visited last December), she tried to ship me that film's DVD. I say tried, because in their infinite wisdom Amazon sent me the Widescreen Special Edition "Men in Black II" instead. Now, I can see how they would make that mistake: the whimsical story of a Parisian girl playing matchmaker while engulfed in loneliness herself is often mistaken for a cash grab sequel to one of lamest alien-obsessed CGI-infested box office hits of the last decade.

After contacting Amazon and notifying them of their error, they promised to send a replacement copy of the "Amelie" DVD my way. For my trouble they let me keep the mis-sent package. Which is akin to sending a diabetic a vial of bleach, and suggesting they inject that until a replacement supply of insulin can be sent.

So, what do I do? Do I watch the misbegotten DVD, which has already engendered overwhelming disappointment at this site? I knew that eventually I would have to watch it. You can't fall ass-backward into a DVD like that, and not watch it. And I knew that when I watched it, I would hate it (but who knows; the negative hype might lower expectations which might amplify my enjoyment).

Well, it took a couple of days to get up my nerve, but I finally watched it. And yes, I truly hated it. Who's to blame?

(Jes, I don't blame you. Read on to find out who I do blame )

MY REVIEW OF THE MOVIE PROPER

The party starts with a faux Ed Wood, hyper-kitschy video presentation called, "Mysteries of Science #47", or some such drivel. Anyway, it's hosted by Peter Graves, looking worn and bored (two of the film's main themes), and it's supposed to introduce the main conflict and be funny too. It's funny in the same way that the in-between scenes from "Amazon Women on the Moon" are supposed to be funny. I.e., they're not.

(an indication of how bereft of ideas the filmmakers were here: this little piece turns up again later on in the movie. Which means we have to watch it, in its entirety, twice. For an 88-minute film, that's a dubious case of repetition. We're talking "Austin Powers" territory here.)

Next we get a bit with Agent J (Will Smith) and his new partner, Agent T (Patrick Warburton). Normally I'm all for the inclusion of Mr. Warburton, but here he just comes off as a weepy Dirty Harry. Not a good sign when you waste even the immortal talents of the man who was Puddy.

Speaking of wasting immortal talents, is it just me or does Will Smith look positively bored during the film's first third? I know, I know, he's supposed to be a grown-up J, saddled with the responsibility of being the top dog (pun intended) at MIB headquarters. And we do see him barking orders and taking on too much responsibility. But did anyone tell the filmmakers that it was Smith's kinetic clownish energy, combined with a certain other actor's laconic ennui, that made MIB the first such a hit? The man is charming by default, but somehow Barry Sonnenfeld makes him wooden and quite plain. And his romantic scenes, with an underused Rosario Dawson, don't make a lick of sense. I guess there's supposed to be some sort of palpable spark between the two, but I didn't feel it. It made the rest of their arc (in which he suddenly feels beholden to her, a women he has just met) terribly confusing.

Sonnenfeld, who is on a remarkable run of cinematic failures (he's made exactly one good film as director: "Get Shorty"), has worked with Smith twice before. They were a fine coupling on "Men in Black", but dove headfirst into the manure during "Wild Wild West". Now, with "MIIB"*, they prove that their former success was a fluke, and that all of Hollywood should prevent them from ever working together again.

*(And by the way, that little acronym does not stand for "Men in Black: II". That would be "MIB:II" or some such. It might stand for "Men Inevitably In Black", or "Men In Injurious Black" or "Men In Inveterate Black", or, my favourite, "My, It's (an) Idiotic Bomb!" Anyone have any other suggestions?)

Whereas "Men in Black" was graced with the pedal-to-the-metal villainy of Vincent D'Onofrio, "MIIB" gets the icy cold dullness of Lara Flynn Boyle. She arrives on the scene, and is immediately demeaned by a tasteless binge-and-purge joke. I hear for "Men in Black III" they're planning a scene where Calista Flockhart down a whole package of Ex-Lax! What a riot!. Boyle's Serleena is supposed to be looking for a light (or something) that she left on Earth 25 years ago. Which is ironic, because this movie has found its light: it's at the end of a long, dark tunnel, telling the film to walk forward and not to be afraid. Boyle dozes through her scenes, unsure of why she's there at all (that's okay, the audience doesn't know either), and looking remarkably cleavage-heavy for a woman who can't tip the scales at more than 98-lbs.

If that weren't enough to overcome, she's also saddles with a pointless sidekick in the grinning personage of Johnny Knoxville (of "Jackass" infamy). Johnny himself is saddled with a pointless sidekick, in the form of a second grinning head that seems to live in his ever-present backpack. As if one Johnny Knoxville weren't enough, overacting badly, now there are two of them! Oh, the humanity! On a positive note, since the film has no idea what to do with its villains, and never comes up with a viable reason for their existence, it leaves them off the screen for good long chunks of time.

All of the above you could gleam from just the first 25-minutes of the film. At the 26th minute, the other half of the acting dyad that made "Men In Black" such a (quasi-)thrill makes his first appearance on screen. Can you believe that they waited until the movie was 30% done before they let Will Smith mix it up again with Tommy Lee Jones? That's like not showing Katharine Hepburn in "Adam's Rib" until Spencer Tracy has finished presenting his case! Ludicrous decision. When he does show up, Jones is appealingly bored, just as he was in the first flick (the difference between Jones and Smith is that Jones' character is supposed to be bored; Smith's ain't). He even gets to expand the boundaries of his character by getting one scene where he cracks a smile, and one where he sheds a tear. Talk about a propulsive character arc! (*snicker*)

So who else returns again from movie #1? Well, we get a lot more Frank the Pug scenes. And let me tell you (hold on, I must turn up the sarcasm for a second), there isn't anything funnier on celluloid than a talking dog! Whoo-boy, do they have a firecracker on their hands with that little guy! (okay, sarcasm levels now set back to normal) Actually, Lil' Frank is just plain annoying, with no real purpose to serve, other then appeasing those folks who loved his bits from the first flick. Ditto The Worm Guys, who this time get their own shaggadelic bachelor pad, which apparently is on the 7 1/2 floor of the Mertin Flemmer building (it's got ridiculously low ceilings, you see; watch out for the stucco!).

There's also a vast menagerie of new aliens, none with distinct personalities, to help populate the background like they were rejects from the Mos Eisley Cantina. My favourite: The Ballchinian (gotta admit, I let out a chuckle at that sight-gag). My least favourite: Michael Jackson (When The King of Slop makes his cameo appearance I had the urge to reach into the my TV to smother Rip Torn, just to put the old trooper out of his misery).

But the biggest flaw in the film is its early attempts to actually inject a theme into this mess. Smith is lonely, Dawson's identity is shaken up, Jones' can't remember who he is. The loneliness/lost identity themes are alluded to and then just given up as quickly as they appeared. The end tries to bring them back for some sort of thematic resolution, but the movie did so little work in trying to develop them, that it all seemed like a horrible last grab for respectability.

I've been reviewing movies (and the like) for close to two-and-a-half years now, and feel like I've been pretty good at picking out quality stuff to watch, and then write about. The proof: I've given out ratings mostly in the four and five star range. Sure, sometimes an item will get such a lukewarm reaction that it deserves a three. And there have several occasions when I've had to give out a two. Only the very worst movies got a two. Or so I thought. Ladies and gentlemen, you've just finished reading (almost) my first 1-star film review. After nearly 400 reviews spread out over two different websites, the streak is over. I feel like Cal Ripken Jr. here. Do I get to take a lap around the field now?

MY REVIEW OF THE WIDESCREEN SPECIAL EDITION DVD

Here's where, normally, you'd read my thorough assessment of the DVD edition of the movie, including critical discussions of the features contained therein. But I so loathed "MIIB" that I couldn't bring myself to watch all of the features. So, until my nausea overwhelms me and I have to run to the bathroom for some purging, let me fill you in on the drek I did watch:

The Alternate Ending was basically the same as the Actual Ending, except the characters arrived there in a slightly different, and more complicated, way (and is it just me, or was this whole concept done much better on one of the Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horrors" episodes?). A better Alternate Ending would have been to chop the film off just after the opening credits, and save us all the embarrassment.

The Blooper Reel has more genuine laughs in its 5 minutes than the actual film had. My favourite bit had Smith running through a litany of alternate names for the aforementioned Ballchinian (my favourite: The Gonadaneck; are you getting an idea of what this guy must look like yet?).

There's a short little bit with Rick Baker, discussing how he came up with some of the Special Make-up Effects. Since Rick Baker is just plain scary to look at, why didn't they include him in the film? (Oh right, they did; this flick had more cameos than a Larry Blackmon fan's record collection)

Of all the character introduction features, the only one I watched was on Jeebs, the alien pawnshop owner. It was distinguished by having all involved heap mountain of praise on Tony Shalhoub. Now, I'm all for praising Tony Shalhoub (Hail Tony!), but they weren't really talking about the man's skill. More like how big his ears got, or the size of his proboscis.

Lastly, and most emblematic of the problems with this film, is a little short film called "Barry Sonnenfeld's Intergalactic Guide to Comedy". Apparently Barry's got a bunch of theories on how to do comedy right, and we get to hear all of them. The piece's credibility is seriously undercut, however, because I'd just watched his latest attempt at comedy (i.e., "Men in Black II"), and found it bereft of the funny. So why would I take comedic advice from someone who doesn't know comedy? Self-awareness, my friend, is the key to success in this industry. Get some, before you strike again.