Meet Joe Black (1999, VHS)

Bad movies suck. An obvious, but true, statement. It's bad enough when I watch a bad movie of my own free will, but it's worse when someone else forces me to watch a movie I avoided for years because I knew it would suck. Now I like Brad Pitt, so I was pleased when my roommates, who are quickly becoming notorious for their atrocious taste in movies, suggested a Brad Pitt movie. I hoped for something like Se7en or Fight Club. Unfortunately, that was not happening, and we settled in to watch 1998's bomb Meet Joe Black.

In this film, we get to meet Death himself, played by Brad Pitt. Death comes a-knocking for a wealthy businessman named William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins), but he agrees to put off taking Bill in exchange for a chance to find out what is like to be human. Oh, and Death has taken the form of a guy who was killed in a car accident moments after meeting a pretty girl. And that pretty girl turns out to be... none other than good ol' Bill's daughter Susan (Claire Forlani)! Susan and Death, who is now going by Joe Black, end up falling in love. Will they manage to stay together? Will Joe remain human, leaving the world without death? Will Bill never die? Will the film ever end?

The main story in the film is the romance between Joe and Susan. Of course, it's kind of painful to watch when Pitt and Forlani have little to no chemistry. And the whole thing is just so corny. We get to see Joe have sex for the first time (one guess who it's with), complete with him breaking down and crying, overwhelmed by all the emotions he's feeling. This chapter on the DVD is even called "The First Time." At some points, the film just became too ludicrous and I couldn't help but laugh, causing my roommates to reprimand me for my insensitivity to Death's feelings. Of course, sometimes I cried right along with Joe because the whole movie was just so bad.

The story of Death taking on human form actually sounds kind of interesting. It would probably have been if there was a different angle to it. I would have liked to see the issue of what would happen if Death just stopped taking people explored further (or at all). Would people still get sick and remain critically ill for all eternity? Instead, we get a long, overblown romance between two people with no chemistry and a scheme to take over Parrish's company. Maybe this would have been bearable if the script wasn't so appallingly bad. The dialogue is corny and embarrassing, and the director must have decided to stretch the film out by having the actors pause for what feels like hours after each poorly-written line hits like a ton of bricks.

The acting is almost as poor as the writing and direction (I say almost because nothing can be that bad). Anthony Hopkins has a few good moments, but he isn't really given enough to do. As I said earlier, Brad Pitt and Claire Forlani have nonexistent chemistry. They are no fun to watch together or alone. Forlani is pretty much just there, and Pitt gives what must be his worst performance ever. I consoled myself with the thought that he did much better in Fight Club, which was made about a year after this "film." The funniest part of Meet Joe Black is when Pitt speaks with a Jamaican accent. It's definitely not worth watching the whole thing just for that, though.

The DVD seemed disappointing, like the movie itself. The picture didn't look very high-quality to me, and there were many instances where it looked grainy. Sometimes lines appear and disappear, and I even noticed objects doing the same thing. There is also a lot of background noise throughout the film. Maybe the people who did the digital transfer of the movie realized how bad it was and decided to try to hide it by drowning it out and playing around with the picture. The extra on this disc is an interview feature with director Martin Brest and some of the cast. Apparently, there is an "Ultimate" edition of the movie with other bonus features, but it's out of print.

The thing that scared me the most about this movie was that it cost $90 million to make. I'm thinking that must have went towards hiring the actors because there were no outstanding special effects or anything. Or maybe it was used to create the robots who act in the film, because surely no humans could deliver lines and act this woodenly and passionlessly. The film didn't even make half of the $90 million back, and it is easy to see why once you try to watch it. One lesson I learned from this movie is that Death can come at any time and life is too short. Don't waste it watching Meet Joe Black.