New Power Soul (NPG) - Prince (CD 1998)

Prince, I gotta hand it to you.

Somehow, you were able to write a software program that enabled your Mac to automatically create an album.

Using a series of logarithms and other complex mathematical processes, your software not only wrote the music and lyrics to all eleven tunes on Newpower Soul, but it performed every musical instrument flawlessly, from the Backstreet Boys drum program on "Shoo-Bed-Ooh" (gotta love these song titles), to the bleeping, burping, bip-bopping key-cheese melted all over "Until Ure In My Arms Again," to the too-trite-to-be-tight horn section on the title track, and I must say, the software did its job admirably. There isn't a bum note anywhere! Every rhythm has been quantized, every hit has been shaped, every melisma has been artificially enhanced within a breath of its life. Why should we let humans create art when they make all kinds of mistakes? If robots could listen to and appreciate music, I'm sure this would be their favorite disc of all time. There's no room for error because the computer double-checked its work several times before you cut 96 tracks of your vocals on each song. Awesome!

And just imagine the possibilities! With your Mac churning out album after album of songs with party slogans-cum-song titles like "Push It Up!" "Come On!" and "(I Like) Funky Music!" you'll have more time than ever to do those things that you could never quite get around to, like having yourself cryogenically frozen. And really learning how to rap.

Sure there's a few kinks to work out with the software, but man, you're already on the right track with a program that can churn out heart-rending poetry like this:

"I be's the one with the funky music, hon'
layin' phat claims 2 the booty
phat claims to the newpower booty
keepin' the crowd movin' is my one and only duty...
get freaky, let the head bob... (repeats 127 times)"

I hear you, Prince. Don't worry. Not only am I getting freaky, but I can assure you, my head is bobbing so hard I'm becoming disoriented and confused to the point of nausea. I'd better lie down awhile.

Before I do, though, I have to take issue with your album cover. See, I think you should have let your Mac design that too. Don't you think that drag shot of you in a blouse and fake gold with your finger on the trigger of your gun-mic is a little too... subtle? If you're gonna go for that whole No Limit Records look, you should program your Mac to depict you sitting on the hood of an 82 Cadillac Seville playing craps with Larry Graham for bricks of C-notes in the middle of a Compton housing project while teams of FBI and ATF agents are leveling their automatic weapons in your direction. Aiight?

So keep up the good work! And remember, be careful with this type of technology. It's just this type of software that could make a group like N'Sync reeeeally popular.