Batman Forever (1997, DVD)

"Your entrance was good, his was better. The difference...showmanship." Yep, it was this simple two-sentence structure that sent me on my voyage into viewing one of the worst superhero movies ever created. My brother and I have a tendency to toss movie lines at each other during appropriate situations, and this one flew from his mouth recently at work. For some reason, it triggered a nagging feeling in me that could not be quelled until I sucked it up and re-watched this movie. So I dug deep into my illustrious video collection to bring this one to you.

I know what you are thinking. "John, why the hell do you own Batman Forever?" Well, sadly, I can honestly say that I liked this movie the first time around. Hey, I was only 14 when the movie came out, and I was big into the comic book. Give me a break. Anyway, that's why I bought it for $5.88 and haven't watched it since.

The movie is, of course, the second sequel in the unbelievably bad Batman series of movies. We are onto Bruce Wayne #2 by now, played by the always lively Val Kilmer. Might I briefly add that Val is just about the most gifted actor I have ever seen. The way he manages to take a bad script and make it sound even more wretched truly shows what a character he truly is. With the emotional range of a David Duchovny and the stunning wit of a George Clooney, Kilmer is the all around package. Yep, that was sarcasm people, I hope you all got that.

Also on our roster tonight is Tommy Lee Jones playing the two-faced arch villian, ummm, Two Face. Jones brings something to the screen here that no one else can. Unfortunately, this site has children on it, so I can't tell you what that something is, but you can imagine. To think, all the producers of Men In Black had to do was watch this movie to avoid the travesty that was Jones' performance. Alas, hindsight is 20-20, so we move on.

We round out the crappy part of the cast tonight with our designated eye-candy of the evening, Nicole Kidman in the role of the beautiful (and supposedly intelligent) Dr. Chase Meridian. While I can't really fault her for her floundering performance in the film (trust me, I can't think of anyone who could have pulled off the stupid lines she was given here), I do have to say that they would have been better off going with a classy approach to the character. Kidman manages to bring a slutty quality to the role that really isn't necessary here, and sort of turns me off to the whole thing. If you are willing to forgive her... you know, talking and acting and stuff..., Kidman is stunningly attractive and scantily clad through most of the film, so teenage boys with nothing better to see have that going for them.

Anyway, just like every other Batman flick, we have Batman defying all believability by defeating an infinite number of mindless baddies, all the while leading up to our ultimate confrontation against the ultimate evil that we all know will lead to a victory for the good guys. Yep, that's the whole plot. Very few films can be broken down in one sentence, but this stinker pulls it off quite easily. As a matter of fact, I could do it with less big words and far fewer syllables. Let's try it, OK? Batman beats lots of bad men for 2 hours (yep, it's a whole 2 hours) and wins in the end. Knew I could do it.

Along the way, we do actually manage to pick a couple great acting jobs along the way. Jim Carrey is absolutely fabulous in his over-the-top depiction of the Riddler. Not only does Carrey have every funny moment in the entire film (yep, there are actually a few of them), he does it without a shred of help from the script writer whatsoever. I'm not sure if Lee Batchler had it in for the actors and was intentionally trying to screw them over, or if he really is so inept to think that when he puts pen to paper actual humor is achieved, but all I can say was this was far and away the worst script I have seen in a long time. And you know what the great part is? Carrey still manages to come off looking like a star, as he once again proves that not everything is about what is said...it's in the delivery.

Chris O'Donnell also deserves a mention here as the Dark Knight's new teen sidekick (yep, he is actually cast to play a teen, amazing). His portrayal of Robin actually brings a true sense of emotion to the big screen. He pulls off the hatred needed for the character perfectly, as you can almost feel the palpable sense of his desire for revenge. While he is saddled down somewhat by having to muddle through the abysmal script, Chris is the only character besides Carrey who doesn't come off looking like a moron.

Now everyone, don't let me fool you. Just because I have written two paragraphs of somewhat positive commentary doesn't mean that this film has some form of redeeming quality. Acting thrown aside, this movie is still one of the saddest excuses for a cinematic production you will see in a so called "blockbuster" film. Want to know the saddest part of all? Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher actually have their names tied to this piece of filth. These two Hollywood wonders not only managed to blemish their fine careers once, as Schumacher actually came back and made Batman and Robin! I'm telling you, 40 lashes from a wet noodle for these two after this debacle.

What else can I say that will possibly help you understand how bad this movie is? How about the special effects. For some reason, they seem to have a not-so-special feel to them. Maybe it is the fact that I have seen romantic comedies that have better visual effects, but something about an action film this bad really rubs me the wrong way. The choreography is all over the place for the fight scenes, the camera work is atrocious on an unreal level, and the visual effects are something brought back from the seventh level of Hell itself. I'm truly in shock that a movie actually was allowed to leave an editing room looking like this. Who actually watched this before showing it in theaters and said, "Hey, this is really something. We can make millions off this!" Whoever it is, they should be dragged out to the backyard of their home and public beaten and mocked. Yep, it's that bad folks.

Overall, this movie is a blight on mankind and should be avoided at all costs. I did actually give the film two stars, but don't get your hopes up. Between Carrey's performance being just that good and the following sequel being that much worse, I had to save the one star for a later time (like when I get around to reviewing Batman and Robin). Still, make sure that you are fairly liquored up if you ever feel that you want to try to stomach this one. Trust me, you will thank me for the warning. Till next time, HAVE A NICE DAY!