Ladykillers (2004, VHS)

Joel Coen and Ethan Coen (AKA The Coen Brothers) decide to remake a quirky 1955 British comedy and enlist Tom Hanks to play the lead.

This is a case where big names get a little too big for their britches. It s kind of like George Bush and John Kerry getting TV time. You know these guys are not really very good at public speaking and only play in prime time because they are running for President. Bush can t keep a train of thought, and his jokes are lame. Kerry is stiff as a stiff, and his Votox seems to be wearing off (which is probably better than Dole and his Viagra). That s how this movie plays big names but on the wrong page.

The Ladykillers is a dark, quirky comedy, and that is an understatement if I ve ever made one. I like offbeat. Hotel New Hampshire and American Beauty are two of my favorites. So, I would be inclined to ride along on this strange trip through the deep south with characters who appear to be ripped from different eras. It s not the contradictions that get my goat (thought there are many), but rather the lack of depth here in a movie and the fact that this easily could have been a thinking-persons pick of the season.

The plot line is solid and interesting.

You ve got an academic conman who collects a not-so-merry band of men to pull off a heist. The modern day Robin Hood (Hanks) rents a room from an elderly lady and plans his capper in her basement under the ruse that this preposterous, ragtag group practices classical music.

This basic story is ripped from the original but unfortunately the project is updated with a disregard for the subtleties that make such an outlandish proposal work. Rather than build on characters and interactions with some suggestion of common motive, this updated piece simply tosses together some rather ludicrous caricatured characters that have no business being in the same basement much less the same movie.

So, the people, in this case, do not make the movie.

Hanks is cast as Professor G.H. Dorr and the ringleader in this comedic mess. He is tasked with speaking with a British accent and with using the master vocabulary list from the SAT. Methinks perhaps he is best suited to the harsher guttural sounds of his Protestant homeland. The rhythm and melody of the Queen s tongue are lost in this loose depiction of the mother country and her speakers. It s almost as bad as a northerner trying to talk southern in the States. If you can wade through the affected dialect and the dollar-bill words, then perhaps you may (or may not) find his utterings funny.

The good doctor (of the PhD variety) does stumble on a gem of sorts in his landlady Marva Munson (played most deliciously by Irma P. Hall). At first glimpse, a viewer might be inclined to think that Marva is stunted by Eddie Murphy (and his Professor make-up wizards) with her ample though certainly sagging bosom and classically bowed legs. She s still good though a tad overdone as scripted.

In any case, the good Mizz Marva does take in the wayfaring stranger for a price of $15 per week (cash I hope). She is the quintessential black Momma though apparently with no children to double check when she invites strange white men in odd yehaw clothing to move in. While perhaps the trench coat might give a body pause, it could be that Marva (who does watch Oprah) also checks out Big Brother and thinks that Cowboy garb is back in fashion.

Once entrenched, apparently Prof. Goldthwait Higgins Dorr, Ph.D places an ad in the local paper to build his crack team of criminal stooges. Don t expect too much from these extras.

First, you have Gawain MacSarn who is played by Marlon Wayans. I guess brothers give contracts to brothers, or that s the spin here. The Coen brothers give a nod to the Wayan brothers with a potty-mouth, dred-locked, booty-loving black character who is the inside link to the con job. Not only does this F talking character push this movie into the R realm, he also repeatedly revisits the N word as (I suppose) a reclaiming of an epithet that rightly belongs to the past.

If you re going to beat the anti-PC bass drum, then toss in Tzi Ma as The General. This guy is the silent but deadly Asian. It is kind of funny when he foils a robbery on his Donut Ho shop by sticking his fingers up the gunman s nose at the beginning of the movie.

Really now, I was thinking that would have to hurt (bad) though not something I ever thought to do to an assailant. It s even funny when he grabs the glass by the bed and sucks down some denture water. Still, this is every bad thought ever tossed out in a joke about those who fall in the yellow skin category in the song Jesus Loves the Little Children.

I suppose it s all good when you jam in a couple of clich white guys for balance.

First, you have Garth Pancake (played by J. K. Simmons). He is the Vietnam veteran. Did we not trash them enough in the 60s? Guess not. This one was a Freedom Rider, and I suppose at some point before or after his service. He is now an expert in explosives as well as being madly in love with his IBS girlfriend, Mountain. Nothing says love like understanding the bowels of another. They met at . . . . (even Gawain did not want to go there).

If you re thinking that the timeframe is too way back, then not to worry. They toss in a young dumb jock to tickle your itch or lack of. Lump (Ryan Hurst) does pull some funny non-lines with his helmet view on the football field. Ever wondered what it looks like to see a big guy jacking you up? You get it here. Kind of cute. Then, you have to follow this dimwit through the rest of the movie. Not as cute.

Yes. This is a collection of oddball and should-have-been cameo characters. Instead, this motley crew is passed off as a cohesive collection of wanna-be-buds or partners in crime. Even the leads (Hanks and Hall) didn t gell and should have been walk-ons in a film that should rightly have been a symphony rather than a duet. Instead of being about the music (which was to-be-honest, pretty good) in both a symbolic and literal sense, this was about trying to sell a movie on a couple of names.

Foul ball.

Ladykillers is watchable if you enjoy fish n chips, ham hocks, McDonald s value meal, sushi, tuna casserole with cracker crumb topping, and Gatorade in one big gulp. Even if you can stomach that, do remember that you don t want your kids in the room to hear the gratuitous cursing that was sprinkled on top for no palatable reason.