The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans (1992, Paperback)

As a counselor to battered women, I've found this book to be the BEST resource for my clients in recognizing the subtle forms of abuse present in their lives. I buy used copies of it to give out to clients every chance i get! Although the title refers to "Verbal Abuse," it's relevant to anyone who has been abused during their lives. While many other discussions of domestic violence focus on more obvious forms of abuse, Patricia Evans' book does a great job of identifying very subtle things done to terrorize us every day. One of my clients referred to this as "silent violence," things like minute but weighted invasions of personal space, silent treatment, withholding affection, and more.

Pat Evans first explains two different worldviews: Power Over and Personal Power. If you've ever been dumbfounded by someone who seems convinced that you are the adversary, even when you're trying to help, it's because that person is living according to a worldview of Power Over. They see life as a constant struggle for power and control over others, in which everyone is the enemy. Personal Power on the other hand is a worldview in which each person lives their life based on their own personal power, not by trying to control others. In the Personal Power worldview, we are free to support each others and cooperate for a better world.

Then Pat Evans goes on to identify about 15 different forms of what she calls verbal abuse. These include blaming, criticizing, undermining, forgetting, and abuse disguised as jokes. For each kind of abuse, she details how this attacks the very soul of the victim. For example, in "Trivializing," the abuser communicates that what you have said or done is insignificant. When this is expressed in a frank or sincere tone of voice, it can be difficult to detect. So while the victim may be unaware of the abuse, she leaves the interaction with a deep sense of insignificance, and the nagging belief that her partner is somehow more important and powerful than she is. Subtle abuse like this attacks a person's very sense of self and significance in this life.

Finally, Ms. Evans provides a guide to responding to verbal abuse with impact. While she acknowledges at depth that it may not always be safe to respond, she lays out strategies for responding when it is safe to do so. My favorite is a response to the silent treatment. If you find yourself sitting down to dinner with a partner who uses silence to punish, you could pick up a book and read while you eat, or wear headphones and hum along to music your partner can't hear. Things like this communicate that you do not depend on that person for your self-worth, but that your power comes from within. Another fun response to the silent treatment is to stand up and declare, "I am feeling very bored with your company," and leave the room. This could quickly break the tension of long hours spent with muscles tense, waiting for a partner to break the silence.

Since it may be difficult to memorize all 15 kinds of abuse and the specific response to each one, Evans also provides a single easy response to any kind of verbal abuse.

If you enjoy this book, you may also want to check out the sequel, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, which is a compilation of stories of Evan's clients.

After reading this book, if you'd like further discussion about how it affects your life, feel free to call us 24-hours at 1-800-799-SAFE!

:) - katix