TMNT (Xbox 360, 2007)

I don't know how many people who would look at this and actually want to play it since it's based on a "kid's movie" and it's in no way at all like the TMNT of yore. Now, I'm not old by any means but I'm old enough to have watched and loved the old school TMNT before all the time traveling power ranger whatever nonsense and french faux-anime design that's been plaguing all the old comics and television shows that are still watchable to this day if only today's generation would give it a chance. The movie was disappointing and the story was insulting, so I didn't expect the videogame tie-in to be any better. I was mainly drawn in for 2 reasons: My mother was interested in checking it out and we both wanted to complete another game's achievements in a day or two.

So I put it in, beat the first of 16 stages within 9 minutes and get my first taste of the game. Right off the bat, the camera (or lack of one) pissed me off as you can't control where you look or even know where you are in relation to your surroundings at times. At most times, actually, since the later stages only got more frustrating. You speed through like Sonic with fewer load times, get into force-fed battles with either the Foot Clan or a new, wimpier group called the Purple Dragons. The combat, like the platforming, doesn't seem finished and is more of a chore than anything else. In fact, it feels as if the combat was more of an afterthought. One button pretty much does everything but it's not even as much fun as Avatar's simple combat. It's just... ok, I'm blindly punching something. The most insulting part of all this is the fact that you cannot die.

You fall into a pit or 2 floors to the ground, you "die." And by "die," I mean you start from where you left off 3 seconds prior (checkpoints save every 5-9 seconds) and keep going as the timer keeps counting. All that really means is that you get a lesser grade for completing the stage but the rewards are merely coins you can spend on big head cheats or "weekend weapons" such as a broom for Don. No thanks. You get beaten by 10 people who all look alike since there's 2 models per enemy type and you "die." This calls forth a mini-game in which you tap A until another turtle pal picks you up, says something encouraging, and runs off as you continue the fight. This no death, no surrender system even holds your hand through the final boss. Hell, the whole game holds your hand. If you're in doubt when you see a gate which only Leo can get through and are unsure if it's the appropriate time to press a button to progress, you'll see the blue flashes that prompt you to understand. Wait a second and you'll even see the commands displayed for you on the bottom left of the screen.

Thinking isn't necessary for this. I don't think it's even meant for kids so much as it's meant to simply be an extension of the movie because, c'mon, no thinking or skill development in a platformer!? And Ubisoft is responsible for this? After such great action platformers like Prince of Persia and Assassin's Creed, I just feel bad. I felt even worse though as I couldn't concentrate with whatever turtle on-screen constantly saying the same exact reaction loop over and over again. I jumped and Michaelangelo flipped out like I'd just ripped some gnarly foam, bro... I hate him...