Men & Women by Larry Crabb (1993, Paperback, Reprint)

Every book I've read about the differences between men and women (secular or Christian) immediately focuses on either emotions or behavior and never mentioned ENJOYING them! Why women think as they do...Why men act as they do...Dr. Crabb leaves his "anatomy" lesson for the last quarter (beginning at chapter 8 of 12 in the book)! He comes out of the gate defining why intentions and motivations matter more than feelings and actions. As a licensed psychologist and Christian counselor, he argues that not only is the current trend of therapy to "heal" the self-esteem or "build confidence" in a patient in order to heal broken relationships (i.e. marriages) fruitless but it is actually making matters worse!

Dr. Crabb drives his point home by clearly stating his thesis in the chapter called "The REAL Problem," and I am paraphrasing:

Until we stop being so self-focused and become "OTHER-centered," our relationships don't stand a chance--regardless of what the biological and psychological differences are between a man and a woman!

Crabb goes on to argue that, without God's mercy and our own understanding of the need for forgiveness, we will never be able to reach the goal of becoming "other-centered."

So his two-step process involves first a humble petition to God to help us see our own shortcomings (i.e. human-ness) and then to allow us to use the differences he designed into us (i.e. man-ness and female-ness) so that we may bless others (i.e. our partner of the opposite sex) in a way that will bring out what God intended for our partner to be.

This is no short order! Crabb tears apart how counseling (especially psychotherapy) does not statistically SOLVE the relational problems because it tends to make the patient more focused on him/herself! How many of us have spent $1000s in marriage or relationship counseling to realize we've just been digging a deeper hole? Ugh!

The poignancy of Crabb's argument is brought home in his analysis that male and female humans were BUILT to relate, but since the fall of Adam and Eve have been cursed in this regard. When we put ourselves above God and everyone else, we are blinded to our own faults (i.e. the "log" in our own eye, Matt. 7). Crabb uses this physical example to demonstrate the personal sexuality differences between man and woman:

Men feel complete as they "strongly enter" into a relationship, and women feel enjoyed as they "warmly invite" (p. 163). Crabb does not shy away from the legalists who define the differences as pragmatic ROLES, nor does he back away from the egalitarians that defend the equal-partnership marriage to the death. Crabb meets somewhere in between and argues that it's not about roles or worth...it's about intention.

If I do what I can to bless my husband even (or especially) when he deserves otherwise--then he sees my action as an invitation to ENTER into a connection instead of continuing to defend the distance between us. My femininity is then the PERFECT WEAPON against his throes of selfishness! And vice-versa...If I am treating my husband with disrespect and pushing him away with unkind or domineering words, he can choose to bless me with his confident strength that always melts my heart. He loves his wife. She respects her husband. Not only does Crabb deliver a believable argument with his analysis and experience, but also he shores its credibility by backing it up every step of the way with scripture!

This book gets 5 stars - it's worth a read!