Bedtime Stories - Madonna (CD 1994)

(Disclaimer: Those looking for a brief description of the album will find what their looking for in the "Review Body" section. The section titled "Track Reviews" is meant only for those who want to read detailed descriptions of the songs, and they do not constitute the essence of this review. Lastly and most importantly, this review is not necessarily written by the point of view of a Madonna fan.)

Overall Score: 3/5
Best song: Secret
Worst song: Inside of Me

Review Body:

It s not as bad as Erotica, but rest assured, Bedtime Stories is a bad album, too! As the story goes, Madonna was in slightly serious career-crisis, because there were actual members of the general public who briefly came to their senses and decided that the last Madonna album was less-than-adequate. So Madonna retaliated by putting her mind to it and coming out with an album that s slightly better than less-than-adequate! She updates her sound to comply with those horrible s R&B trends that people should feel embarrassed for ever liking. (That s right! I condescend you!!)

But I ll be the first to say that there are a fair number of good tunes on here. The two opening tracks are surprisingly catchy and tasteful ditties. Lucky us, Madonna doesn t embrace the bad s style with those and concentrates on, simply, delivering a listenable song. It worked!! For reasons that are obvious (having to do with Madonna having no taste), she takes a nosedive after that point only to peak up above the water once for the likable, old-fashioned ballad Love Tried to Welcome Me.

Though I especially dislike her dabbling with R&B, there is some faction of my imagination that can fathom something quite a deal worse. I d Rather Be Your Lover has its decent attributes even though that R&B singer she brings in is worse than she is. Human Nature was a big hit despite the fact that it s awful, and could very well have single-handedly inspired the creation of Britney Spears. Songs like Inside of Me, Sanctuary and Bedtime Story aren t so much awful as they are tedious. Pointless things to sit through since there s nothing interesting in those songs, they give me the chance to fill my head with questions like: What am I doing listening to so many Madonna albums, anyway? And then I try to come up with a serious answer for why the chicken crossed the road.

At this point, I d be willing to donate my body to medical science if only Madonna would put out a good album. I ll be dead before that happens.

Track Reviews:

Survival B+
Madonna breaks the mold and opens the album with a catchy song! The icing on the cake is that it overstays its welcome only a little bit (at three minutes) and the instrumentation is OK for the genre. The beat is fine! And all those electronic embellishments work just fine. BEHOLD! This s Madonna song isn t bad!

Secret A-
It starts out with a simple melody and someone strumming an acoustic guitar making me think the whole thing is going to be some boring, wannabe hipster song. And then a pop beat pipes up and a catchy melody actually pops up! The instrumentation isn t anything clever, but it s intelligent enough to not be idiotic. That s right; listening to Madonna for so many years makes me celebrate anything from her that isn t stupid.

I d Rather Be Your Lover C
Well that was short-lived. Right off the bad, there s some over-produced, pseudo-R&B groove that gets dull after thirty seconds. The melody is bland and so is everything else about the song! Apart from a bit where she enlists an African American rapper/singer who sounds horrible, it s not offensive! I can sit through it and not wince much! Trust me, this is good!!

Don t Stop C+
Please do stop! (Doesn t Madonna ever listen to me??) Here is a bit of a throwback to those innocent disco days! It also sounds a lot like a clone from her Like a Prayer album Well at least it doesn t sound like a clone from Erotica. Its lack of melody keeps it from achieving a higher score.

Inside of Me D
Any sensible human being is going to have a bone to pick with s R&B, but I wouldn t particularly mind it if it was at least melodic! What is this bland nonsense, anyway? I realize that it s midnight, but I don t need a sleeping pill yet.

Human Nature C-
Zzzzzz Huh?? I woke up to this train wreck? Unfortunately, it s this exact sort of poorly produced and poorly sung ditty that would inspire such cretins as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. The song was a hit and those bacteria arose from its cesspool! All that said, there s a little bit that s actually appealing about it I like that whopping great drum hit after Madonna says that thing about sex. That s enough for a C-.

Forbidden Love C
Not bad this time, but boring. It needed a better melody. Not too big on the instrumentation, but it s not as bad as the previous song.

Love Tried to Welcome Me B-
Not bad! Madonna does a throwback to the s pop stars (e.g. Petula Clark) with this lighthearted pop song. The melody is very nice and the instrumentation is thick and engaging. It s tasteful! A Christmas miracle!

Sanctuary D
Geez, it s like Madonna s intentionally trying to be boring. Keeping the same old boring tempo throughout, no melody whatsoever, mind-numbingly repetitive sound effects and (to make it worse) does these whispering things in a sleepy voice. I AM NOT READY TO GO TO BED YET! She s going for an atmospheric thing here, which is a shame that she only remembered that at the end.

Bedtime Story D
House? Aren t you through with that nonsense already? She sings about unconsciousness, which is just about right.

Take a Bow C+
This is a mediocre ballad that only sounds good because of the two songs that preceded it. The melody is OK, but the sparkly production is as cheap and uninteresting as it gets. This is still more than I expected! She s not really worthy of this bow, but I know she ll take it anyway.

Concluding Remarks:

Madges!!???!??! I don t need no steenkin madges!